Talking to your partner about money before buying a house: how to do it kindly and fairly

Why is talking to your partner about money before buying a house so hard?

Talking to your partner about money before buying a house can feel harder than choosing the house itself. Money carries feelings: pride, worry, how your parents handled it, whether you feel you’re pulling your weight. Raising it can sound like you don’t trust each other, even when the opposite is true.

You’re not unusual if you find it awkward. When we surveyed 39 people planning to buy a home with their partner, 7 named raising it with their partner as something that would put them off writing down who owns what. But when we asked whether they and their partner would sit down together for 10 minutes to answer questions like these, 34 of the 39 said yes or probably, and 22 said yes, happily.

It helps to see the conversation for what it is: two people planning something big, together. Advicenow, the legal information charity, puts it well when it says that making a living together agreement is “actually a loving thing to do”. The same goes for the money talk that comes before it.

This guide is for unmarried couples buying in England and Wales. It covers when to talk, what to bring, words you can use, the most common sticking points, and fair ways through them, with worked numbers. It is general information, not legal advice.

When is the best time to have the money talk?

Earlier than you’d think. Ideally before you start viewing, and certainly before you make an offer. Once you’ve fallen for a house, every money question feels urgent, and it’s harder to say “I’m not comfortable with that”.

In our survey, when we asked when in buying they’d most likely use a tool like this, 13 people said while looking, before an offer, and 9 before they start looking at all. Fewer chose later: 6 after an offer was accepted, 4 when the conveyancer was involved and 5 after moving in.

A few practical tips:

• Pick a calm moment. Not straight after a viewing, a long day or a disagreement about something else.
• Book it. “Shall we do the money chat on Sunday morning?” sounds less loaded than raising it out of nowhere.
• Keep the first talk short. Thirty minutes is plenty. Plan a second one rather than trying to settle everything at once.
• Sit side by side, looking at the same screen or sheet of paper, rather than across a table. It feels more like a shared task.
• Talk before you see a mortgage broker. You’ll go in with one story, and you’ll each know what the other is going to say.

What should you each bring to the conversation?

Facts first, then hopes. If you both bring the same list, nobody feels singled out.

Bring	Why it matters
Income, and how secure it is	Sets what you can afford and how to split costs
Savings for the deposit	Who puts in what, and whether it comes back first
Debts and monthly repayments	They shape your monthly budget
Your credit reports	Know what’s on your file before you apply
Help from family	Gift or loan, and what the family expects
Spending habits	Saver or spender, and what each of you won’t give up
Plans for the next 5 years	Children, study, a career change, a new car

Credit reports. Citizens Advice says you have a right to see your credit reference file, called a statutory credit report, and that a credit reference agency must give it to you free if you ask. There are three agencies: Experian, Equifax and TransUnion. Each of you checks your own. Citizens Advice suggests checking your file before you apply for credit, so you know about anything that might affect your credit score, and says you can ask the agencies to change anything you think is wrong.

Debts. Be specific: who it’s with, how much is left, what you pay each month. Citizens Advice says you aren’t liable for debts in your partner’s name only, but you may be responsible for the whole of a debt in joint names. The point of sharing it is that it can affect what you can borrow together, and how much each of you can put into shared costs.

Family money. If a parent is helping with the deposit, talk about whether it’s a gift or a loan, and whether it’s meant for one of you or both. Our guide to gifted deposits and family loans goes through the options.

Plans. Money talk isn’t only about now. If one of you hopes to go part-time when you have children, or to retrain, say so. It changes what’s fair. See what happens if you have a baby or one partner stops working.

How do you start the conversation?

Lead with why it matters to you, and go first. Sharing your own numbers before asking for theirs makes it a swap, not an interview. Here are some words you could use, or adapt:

• To open it: “I’m really excited about buying with you. Before we start viewing, can we spend half an hour on the money side, so we both feel good about it?”
• To make it about fairness: “I want this to feel fair to both of us, whatever happens. Can we work out together what that looks like?”
• To go first: “I’ll start. Here’s what I’ve saved, here’s what I owe, and here’s what I’m worried about.”
• If you earn more: “I don’t want you to feel stretched every month. Can we look at splitting things by what we each earn?”
• If you earn less: “I want to pay my way, and I also need some money left at the end of the month. Can we find a split that works for both of us?”
• If you put in more of the deposit: “I’d like to talk about what happens to the deposit if we ever sell. Not because I expect anything to go wrong, but so we both know.”
• If it starts to go badly: “Let’s stop there and come back to it. We don’t have to sort it all today.”

Listen as much as you talk. If your partner goes quiet, ask what’s behind it rather than pushing on. Debt, earning less, or a family where money was never mentioned can all make this harder for one of you than the other.

A structured way to do it. CoHabit’s free 10-minute conversation takes you both through up to 16 questions side by side on one screen, including the deposit, bills, savings and debts, and what happens if you split up. If you don’t agree yet, or need to find out, you can say so and move on, and your answers stay on your device. If now isn’t the moment, the “Suggest it to your partner” button in how it works gives you a short message to send them.

Should you split costs equally or by what you earn?

This is the question most couples get stuck on. There is no single right answer, and no law decides it for unmarried couples. Here are the three most common ways, with numbers.

Worked example. Alex earns £42,000 a year and Jordan £28,000, before tax. Together that’s £70,000, so Alex earns 60% of it and Jordan 40%. Their shared costs, mortgage and bills, come to £1,500 a month. Before tax, Alex earns £3,500 a month and Jordan about £2,333.

These use pay before tax, to keep the maths simple. Tax, National Insurance, pension contributions and student loan repayments change what each of you takes home, so the percentages for your own take-home pay will be a little different.

Alex and Jordan's £1,500 a month, three ways

How they split it	Alex pays (share of pay)	Jordan pays (share of pay)
Equally	£750 (about 21%)	£750 (about 32%)
By income, 60/40	£900 (about 26%)	£600 (about 26%)
Halfway between	£825 (about 24%)	£675 (about 29%)

How the rows work:

• Equally: £750 each. Simple, but it takes about 21% of Alex’s pay and about 32% of Jordan’s. After shared costs, Alex has £2,750 a month left before tax and Jordan about £1,583.
• By income: Alex pays 60% of £1,500, which is £900, and Jordan 40%, which is £600. Each pays the same share of their pay, about 26%. Alex pays £150 a month more than under an equal split, £1,800 a year. After shared costs, Alex has £2,600 left and Jordan about £1,733.
• Halfway between: some couples meet in the middle. Alex pays £825 and Jordan £675.

The rent split calculator works from take-home pay and shows an equal split and a split by income side by side, and the same idea works for mortgage costs.

Which is fairer? It depends on what you both value. An equal split can feel fair because you both live in the same home. A split by income can feel fair because it leaves you both with a similar share of your pay. Whichever you choose:

• Say whether the monthly split changes how you share the money. If you don’t, it can be hard to show later what you both meant. Our guide on when one partner pays more of the mortgage shows the options.
• Count everything, not just the mortgage. If one of you pays more of the bills or the food, that’s a contribution too.
• Agree when to look again, for example after a pay rise, a job loss or a baby.

What are the common sticking points, and fair ways through them?

One of you is putting in more of the deposit

This is the big one. The monthly split is about now. The deposit is about what happens to the home’s value if you ever sell.

Say Alex and Jordan buy a £300,000 home in joint names. Alex puts in a £40,000 deposit and Jordan £10,000. Years later they sell for £330,000, with £230,000 of mortgage left, which leaves £100,000. This is an illustration only: it ignores selling costs, tax and who paid what each month.

Alex and Jordan's £100,000, depending on what they agreed

What they agreed	Alex gets	Jordan gets
Nothing: the starting point is equal shares	£50,000	£50,000
Deposits back first, rest equal	£65,000	£35,000
Shares in proportion (80/20)	£80,000	£20,000

With nothing written down, the starting point for a home in joint names is equal shares, even though Alex put in £30,000 more. The Supreme Court confirmed this in Jones v Kernott. Any of the three can be fair, as long as you both choose it. Try your own numbers in the deposit split calculator.

A fair way through: talk about it as “what do we both think is right?”, not “what do I get?”. The partner who put in less might feel more secure knowing exactly where they stand. Our guide to an unequal deposit goes into more detail, including how to own the home as joint tenants or tenants in common.

One of you has debt the other didn’t know about

Try to hear it without blame. Agree a plan: who pays it, how fast, and whether it changes when you can buy. Remember that if you’re both named on the mortgage, Citizens Advice says you’re both responsible for the payments, so it matters to both of you that the budget works.

A saver and a spender

Neither is wrong. One approach is “yours, mine and ours”: a joint account for shared bills, and your own accounts for everything else, so neither of you has to justify a coffee or a holiday fund. Citizens Advice notes that both of you have access to a joint account, even if only one of you pays in, so agree what it’s for.

One of you might earn less for a while

If one of you plans to have children, study or change career, agree now how the split would change. You could agree that it moves to a split by income, or that shares in the home stay the same, so whoever steps back isn’t penalised. Citizens Advice says unmarried partners have no legal duty to support each other financially, so if you want that kind of support, it has to come from what you both agree.

When it isn’t about fairness

If one partner controls the other’s money, stops them working, or runs up debts in their name, that isn’t a sticking point to negotiate. GOV.UK lists economic abuse as a form of domestic abuse, and its page on domestic abuse: how to get help lists free, confidential helplines.

What should you do next?

1. Book the first talk. Pick a calm time before you start viewing, and keep it short.
2. Gather your facts. Income, savings, debts and your free statutory credit reports. Ask family about any help, and whether it’s a gift or a loan.
3. Go through the questions together. Start free, together: the 10-minute conversation takes you through up to 16 questions side by side, and your answers stay on your device.
4. Run the numbers. Use the rent split calculator for monthly costs and the deposit split calculator for the deposit.
5. Write down what you agree. A couples agreement (also called a cohabitation agreement or a house buying agreement) records your decisions, and courts can take it into account. See what to include in a couples agreement and how your agreement counts.
6. Tell your conveyancer how you want to own the home and in what shares, so they can record it when you buy.
7. See a solicitor, separately if you can, if one of you is putting in much more, family money is involved, either of you has children from an earlier relationship, or either of you feels under pressure.
8. Look again each year, or when something big changes.